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ANEKA HUMOR

Yang bikin tertawa terbahak-bahak sampai sakit perut.

Re: ANEKA HUMOR

Postby MyLovelyCarnation » Sun Aug 12, 2012 2:40 am

fayhem wrote:Ancaman tidur Bersama

SEORANG aggota DPR dpt telepon ancaman.
"ingat saya? Kita pernah tidur bersama.Sy punya videonya.Skrng Sy minta Rp 3 miliar.Jk tdk sy beberkan ke media!"
Anggota DPR tsb ketakutan n menyanggupi.
Stlh mentransfer uangnya,dia bertanya.
"Kamu siapa n kita tidur di mana?"
penelepon menjawab: "Sy anggota DPR jg. Kita tidur bareng waktu sidang paripurna!"


:rofl:
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Re: ANEKA HUMOR

Postby MyLovelyCarnation » Thu Aug 16, 2012 3:20 am

God knows everything


A man is praying to god. "lord," he prays " I would like to ask you a question."

The lord responds, "No Problem. Go ahead."

"lord, is it true that a million years to you is but a second?"

"Yes, that is true"

"Well, then, what is a million dollars to you?"

"A million dollars is but a penny."

"Ah, then, lord," says the man, "may I have a penny?"

"Sure", says the lord. "Just a second."
Last edited by MyLovelyCarnation on Thu Aug 16, 2012 5:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: ANEKA HUMOR

Postby MyLovelyCarnation » Thu Aug 16, 2012 8:20 am

A Man with An Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A Burger, fries and a coke,"and turns to the ostrich,"What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £ 9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, jacket potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million pound or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


Image


Image





The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
Last edited by MyLovelyCarnation on Thu Aug 16, 2012 6:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: ANEKA HUMOR

Postby MyLovelyCarnation » Thu Aug 16, 2012 8:27 am

A momma with 15 kids


A woman walks into the Croydon welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
'WOW!' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they all yours?'

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy'. All the children rush to find seats.

'Well', says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names'.

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the girls are all named 'Leighroy'.

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yells, 'Leroy!' An when it's time for dinner, I just yells 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a running. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yells 'Leroy!' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I calls them by their last names.'
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Re: ANEKA HUMOR

Postby MyLovelyCarnation » Thu Aug 16, 2012 8:40 am

...a good story to make you smile and appreciate the moral at the end!



King Arthur and the Witch


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom.. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below!

OKAY?




































Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.


Now....what is the moral to this story? Just tell us or keep for yourself... O:)
Last edited by MyLovelyCarnation on Thu Aug 16, 2012 7:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: ANEKA HUMOR

Postby MaNuSiA_bLeGuG » Thu Aug 16, 2012 10:33 am

MyLovelyCarnation wrote:
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."




Image
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Re: ANEKA HUMOR

Postby kotak pandora » Thu Aug 16, 2012 5:18 pm

Seorang calon haji baru yg tertinggal dari rombongannya, akhirnya diberangkatkan ke Mekkah, Arab Saudi dengan menggunakan pesawat reguler. Setelah masuk ke pesawat, dia langsung duduk di kelas bisnis.
Pramugari :”Pak, mohon maaf, tempat duduk bapak bukan disini, tetapi di belakang.”
Calon haji : “anda siapa”
Pramugari : ‘saya adalah pramugari, pelayan di pesawat ini”
Calon Haji :”ahh baru pelayan, saya ini penumpang calon haji yang mau ke Mekkah ke negeri awloh. Saya ngak mau pindah.”
Akhirnya pramugari memanggil pilot untuk mengatasi penumpang ‘bandel’ ini.
Kapten Pilot : “Maaf saya Kapten Pilot pesawat ini, dengan hormat meminta Bapak untuk pindah ke bagian ekonomi di belakang”
Calon Haji :”Apa itu Kapten Pilot?
Kapten Pilot: “Pengemudi pesawat ini pak. Tolong bapak pindah ke belakang”
Calon Haji :” Ah baru supir aja udah belagu. Saya ngak mau pindah”
Akhirnya semua orang yang berada di pesawat menjadi ramai dan meminta supaya bagian keamanan dipanggil untuk menyelesaikan masalah ini.
Rupanya ada satu orang penumpang menawarkan diri untuk mencoba menyelesaikan masalah dan memohon pilot dan pramugari untuk mundur.
Penumpang tersebut langsung menuju ke calon haji dan berkata :”Bapak mau ke mekkah ya”
Calon haji :”Ya, saya mau ke negeri rosul untuk menunaikan haji”
Penumpang:”Tapi pak, kalau kursi untuk ke mekkah ada di bagian belakang. Sementara kursi yang bapak duduki sekarang adalah tempat duduk untuk jurusan ke Israel”
Calon Haji :”Ahhh Israel, Zioniss. Najis deh kursi ini. Bilang kek dari tadi”
Akhirnya si calon haji mau pindah ke bebelakang.
Tapi belum lama duduk di kursi belakang, penumpang di sebelahnya berkata.
Penumpang2 : “Bapak mau kemana?”
Calon haji :” Saya mau ke mekkah, ke negeri kalo sembahyang pahalanya paling gede”
Penumpang2 :”Wah bapak salah duduk, yang disini jurusan ke Vatican, Roma. Kalau ke mekkah ada di bagian belakang kursi ini.”
Calon Haji:”Tolong antar saya”
Penumpang2:”Bapak masuk kesini. Kalo ke mekkah kursinya tunggal dan putih dan terbuat dari jenis batu. Masuk aja nanti kalo sudah sampai di mekkah akan saya panggil bapak” sambil si penumpang2 mengunci pintu toilet pesawat.
Belum duduk 1 menit, ada suara tokek di dalam toilet.
Calon haji :”Anda siapa?”
Tokek:”Saya captain pancasila”
Calon haji :”Ahhh Kapten pilot aja lewat apalagi kamu kapten pancasila” Prokkk, “kamu itu makluk haram dan lagian namamu mengingatkan tetangga rumah saya yang kerjanya tukang fotokopi”
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Re: ANEKA HUMOR

Postby MyLovelyCarnation » Thu Aug 16, 2012 5:41 pm

Penumpang2:”Bapak masuk kesini. Kalo ke mekkah kursinya tunggal dan putih dan terbuat dari jenis batu. Masuk aja nanti kalo sudah sampai di mekkah akan saya panggil bapak” sambil si penumpang2 mengunci pintu toilet pesawat.


:lol:
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Re: ANEKA HUMOR

Postby MyLovelyCarnation » Thu Aug 16, 2012 6:48 pm

This was just too funny to not share.


ACCESS DENIED!



A lady helps her man install a new computer.

Once it is completed,

she tells him to select a password,

a word that he'll always remember.

as the computer asks him to enter it,

he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture

Image


and a wink in his eye,

Image

he selects a word but he is annoyed with her reaction,

when he selects: penis.

As he hits "enter", to validate the selection,

his wife collapses with laughter and

rolls on the floor in hysteria .

Image


The computer had replied:

TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
Last edited by MyLovelyCarnation on Fri Aug 17, 2012 11:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: ANEKA HUMOR

Postby MyLovelyCarnation » Thu Aug 16, 2012 6:56 pm

Catholic Heart Attack


A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 000 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated :( and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect ! Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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Re: ANEKA HUMOR

Postby a_man » Fri Aug 17, 2012 10:49 am

kotak pandora wrote:Tokek:”Saya captain pancasila”
Calon haji :”Ahhh Kapten pilot aja lewat apalagi kamu kapten pancasila” Prokkk, “kamu itu makluk haram dan lagian namamu mengingatkan tetangga rumah saya yang kerjanya tukang fotokopi”

HOAHAHAHAHAAAAA telak bangettt !!
tukang fotokopi & bahan fotokopi ketemu di mesin fotoiletkopi.
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Re: ANEKA HUMOR

Postby a_man » Fri Aug 17, 2012 11:05 am

MyLovelyCarnation wrote:ACCESS DENIED!

HAHAHAAAA
klo versi gw kayak gini :


A lady helps her husband install a new computer.
Once it is completed,
she tells him to select a password,
a word that he'll always remember.
as the computer asks him to enter it,
he looks at his wife with kissing lips gesture

he selects a word and she is pleased with his choice when he enters : mywife

but as he hits "ENTER" to validate the selection,
his wife suddenly stands with anger and smashes the computer monitor to the floor

confused with her reaction, he flips the monitor,
and reads the computer response :

TOO PREDICTABLE - PLEASE REPLACE WITH A BETTER ONE
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Re: ANEKA HUMOR

Postby MyLovelyCarnation » Fri Aug 17, 2012 11:15 am

a_man wrote:TOO PREDICTABLE - PLEASE REPLACE WITH A BETTER ONE

Hahahaha... boleh juga!!

:rofl:
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Re: ANEKA HUMOR

Postby a_man » Fri Aug 17, 2012 11:20 am

netter2 sini ada yg ngikuti DH di FB ?
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Re: ANEKA HUMOR

Postby ceritalucu » Tue Sep 11, 2012 5:19 pm

ha.ha... lumayan lucu ... :lol:
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Re: ANEKA HUMOR

Postby senggolbacok » Thu Sep 13, 2012 11:40 pm

fayhem wrote:Ayo kita kumpulin disini humor yang lucu lucu, daripada liat web lain

Diperkosa dari Belakang

Seorang janda muda melaporkan peristiwa perkosaan yang dialaminya kepada seorang polisi. Ketika ditanya Polisi, apakah dia mengenali pemerkosanya, dia mengaku tak bisa mengenalinya.

Janda: “Habis saya diperkosa dari belakang, Pak!”
Polisi: “Lho, kamu kan bisa nengok ke belakang!?”
Janda: “Lha… kalo saya nengok ke belakang, lepas dong Pak!!!”
Polisi: “Tape deh…”

:rolling: :rofl:
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